Plot thickening

I'm bored with kids' TV, so my warped mind has been in overdrive coming up with alternatives that would stimulate my brain. So here are some alternative plot lines for In The Night Garden...

1. The Ninky Nonk becomes a version of Murder On The Orient Express and every time it disappears through the bush, it goes dark inside. When it emerges, one character has been brutally slain and their gored bodies left bleeding on the carpet. A clue to the identity of the killer would be smeared in blood and grey matter on the window.

2. The Tombliboos are infiltrated by islamic fundamentalists and one of them (probably Tombliboo Oo, as he's a bastard anyway) appears sporting a beard and Qur'an. Instead of Tombliboo music, the perpetrator wails out a call to prayer at 5am. Systematically he brainwashes the other two and together they lay seige to the bridge, which they identify as of military importance. Only the intervention of a Special Forces unit led by Iggle Piggle can defeat them, and IP-007 (as he will be code named) eventually dispatches them all with a silenced Glock and Bowie knife.

3. Upsy Daisy gets done by all male members of ITNG, the episode ending with her being bent over her bed by Iggle Piggle, while licking spuff off Makka Pakka's sponge. With Mr Pontipine sticking out of her arsehole.

4. The Pontipines, disenchanted with the state allocation of property - they do live in a poxy little house, after all - hijack the Pinky Ponk and load it with explosives and Hydrogen. Whilst dropping propaganda leaflets manufactured by Mister Maker, they fly the massively flammable airship into one of the Ha-Hoos, igniting a huge fireball visible from Balamory.

5. Makka Pakka loses his mind, and instead of using soap on his sponge he loads it with Hydrochloric Acid and washes the faces off the Tombliboos.

6. In an episode reminiscent of 24, Upsy Daisy (played by her out of Lost) has to go round the whole garden searchng for a bomb planted by unnamed terrorists as the episode clock ticks down - a big comedy clock, with the contorted faces of frightened Numberjacks on it. Eventually, having explored all the areas, she is eventually hoisted by her own petard as her bed (which has been following her round) is found to be carrying a Die Hard size atomic weapon. She shits herself, her hair stands up and there is a blast so large it makes a new star in the end credits.

7. Tag Team wrestling between ITNG and the Tweenies, ending with Iggle Piggle clubbing Jake to death with a metal folding chair (a la WWE) and Upsy Daisy gouging out Fizz's eyes.

8. The Pontipines are found to be gypsies, and the bailiffs are sent in to evict them. Their house is found to have excrement smeared up the walls and a stash of scrap metal round the back.

9. Makka Pakka discovers all the flowers are in fact Opiates, and the whole cast lay about shooting up and dying of massive overdoses. Makka Pakka sets up a fortified drug den in his cave, with the Wottingers as lookouts, and deals Opium to the Teletubbies, cut with ground up stones and rabbit bones. A pale and not breathing Po is found slumped over the Noo Noo, a needle stuck in the triangle thing on his head.

10. A pitched battle following an invasion of the Garden by disenfranchised CBeebies characters, during which the Tombliboos take to the trees and drop stones on the invaders. Charlie and Lola are hung and beaten like Pinatas by Iggle Piggle, Roly Mo gets beasted and cooked over a spit by the Wottingers and Pontipines (combined forces) and Tommy Zoom has his torso separated from hi slegs by a speeding Ninky Nonk. The denouement is a Wicker Man - style scene in which Mr Tumble, beaten and tortured to the point of death, is eaten by a Ha Hoo and shat out as a large clown-flavoured pellet with a red nose.

11. In The Reich Garden: Makka Pakka is Josef Mengeler, his cave (which nobody ever goes in) is the scene of unutterable atrocity and horror. The Pontipines and Wottingers are housed in a Jewish ghetto, awaiting removal by the Ninky Nonk to Auschwitz. The Graf Ponk hovers overhead spying on the remaining inhabitants, and the Tombliboos - members of a fervent Hitler Youth - are tasked with guarding the maximum security house and bridgehead. Eva Braun (Upsy Daisy) and yer actual Adolf (Iggle Piggle) formulate a plan to annexe Chuggington for the transport links, and eventually across the African plains, where they aim to enslave Mama Mirabelle and her band of animal resistance front.

It's a scary place, my head...